Grieving at Christmas is hard. Christmas ads, party menus, gift guides, Secret Santas and Elf on the ruddy Shelf, it’s all such a lot.
When I was little, my Mum used to wrap our normal table mats in Christmas wrapping paper for Christmas Day. I was always baffled why she did this. But that’s what we do at Christmas, isn’t it? We take our normal everyday lives and cover them up, pretending they are brighter. But it’s the cracks which normally lie unnoticed on the wall, which are suddenly illuminated by tinsel and fairy lights.
Christmas is hard in itself, but also because of the pressure to pretend that it is not. Acknowledging that, and recognising the cracks can be a huge gift. So here are a few things to bear in mind if you want to support someone this year.
Say Their Name
The first is around Christmas cards, or any kind of Christmas message or greeting. When you lose someone it is hard not to see their name written in cards. It’s even harder to write cards when one of your names is missing.
Include someone’s name in cards that you are sending ‘Raising a glass to …’, ‘always remembering …’ can be a thoughtful gesture. You won’t upset them, or reminded them that they have died, they won’t have forgotten. But just sending a production line ‘have a great Christmas’ offering to someone grieving at Christmas might make them think that you have.
The eternal invitation
Nobody knows how they are going to feel around people if they are struggling. Company may be welcome, they may need to be alone, but that’s their decision to make. So invite them, invite them to everything, but give them the ultimate Get Out Of Jail free card. They can say no then turn up, they can say yes then cancel, they can leave after 10 minutes without saying goodbye.
Also, if people feel that large groups of jollity are too much, try and find some alternative ways to spend time with them like a quiet walk, or cup of coffee.
Practical ways to help
Some people want to ignore Christmas altogether after they have lost a loved one, and that is entirely their decision to be respected. Others, might want or need to mark it in some way but not have the energy. Grief is exhausting, and that mental and physical weight cannot be underestimated.
The additional Christmas task list can be the final straw. People may also have lost the person who always ‘did Christmas’ so may not know where to start.
Offer practical help if you are able (and be OK if that is politely declined).
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help with putting up decorations
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help with shopping (shops at Christmas are a particular torture when you are grieving)
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offers of food, gift wrapping, childcare or anything else.
Make space for sadness
Christmas isn’t all Noddy Holder and the most wonderful time of the year. In the dead of winter, with candlelight and music, there is space for melancholy and remembrance. Making time and space and grief can be cathartic, and also necessary. Grieving people can easily feel that they are not wanted because they are not on top form and living their best life.
Don’t feel that people grieving at Christmas always want to be left alone, but also don’t feel that they need to be ‘cheered up’.
Sit beside them in their sadness and allow it in.
Christmas isn’t always ruined
We have a tendency to feel that Christmas is fixed. The same traditions, the same people, the same songs. But the reality is that it is always changing and none are ever the same.
If you are facing your first Christmas without the one you love, know that it will come and it will go, and you will have done it. Each year, you will try new things to see what feels right. You will find ways to remember and honour the ones you have lost, and ways to spend it in a new way. Some will work, some will not. But there will be moments of comfort, and one day moments of joy and you should seize them when you can.
Grief and joy can exist side by side, and inextricably intertwined.
Go gently.
If you are missing someone this Christmas, do add their photograph and message to our Memorial Board. We would love to hear about them.
If you’d like to arrange a Grief Awareness Session for your team, then get in touch to arrange a half hour initial call
